Today would be my Mom's 60th birthday. It's kind of weird for me to think that she would be that old, because this is the picture I have in my mind of how she would look, since I have no memories of her face. I'm not trying to do a tribute, because I don't know where I'd start, or what I'd even say. I just know that today is her birthday, and she isn't here to celebrate.
I know that everything has happened for a reason, and I would not be where I am today had things not tanspired how they did. At the same time I can't help but feel like I was cheated a little. When I was younger I always thought that it would be so much easier when I "grew up" not to have my mom here, but I was very wrong. I feel like I need her now more than ever.
I wanted her there on my wedding day. I didn't know what a wife was supposed to be like. She cooked, cleaned, sewed, gardened, canned, and all other domestic things you can think of. Unfortunately, I was too young to observe those things and am nothing like that. I wish she could have taught me some of those things so I could have contributed more to my marriage and family. Instead I had a father who worked full-time, cleaned the house, cooked the meals (if you call it that :o) ), did yard work, etc. So my expectations weren't exactly realistic when I got married.
I wanted her there when I gave birth to my children, when I brought them home from the hospital and didn't have a clue to what I was doing. I wanted to call her at 2 o'clock in the morning when I couldn't get Jace back to sleep or when I found out I was pregnant when Jace was only 6 months old. I want to ask her what I was like when I was a baby (my dad is not a very good historian in that department :o) ). I want that connection that daughters have with their mothers.
Here is the last picture I have of the two of us. I only have a couple of pictures of us together because she was so sick when I was little. This is shortly before she passed away and she was very sick and swollen from the radiation and chemotherapy. I get teary eyed everytime I look at this picture because she died when I was 2 1/2, the same age as Jace is now. I can't imagine how much courage she must have had to leave us behind.
I do not feel sorry for myself, I just can't help but think of what I'm missing. All I can do is try to be the mother that my mom would have been, and be there for my children. She is such a big part of my life and I love her so much! Even though I don't have a single memory of her, I still feel like I know her, and she knows me.My dad was blessed to have married a beautiful and caring woman that I am lucky to have as a parent. I love her so much and cannot imagine our lives without her. She has completed our family in so many ways. There is not a sad ending to this story. We all continue to live and grow. And like she said in a letter she wrote to me before she passed away "Remember, Families are Forever".
17 comments:
Thanks for the tears Tiff. This was a very beautiful post and I couldn't have said it better myself.
Awesome post, Tiffany! When I saw that first picture, I could've sworn it was you! You look so much like your mom.
That first picture of your mom looks just like you!! (You are both beautiful!!) This was such a sweet post Tiff.
What a great post! After reading your comments, I feel lucky that I had almost ten years with our mother, but like you; I have very few memories of her other than the ones when she was sick.
I think about her on a daily basis and I feel so bad for my girls, that they never got to meet her. I know she would be a wonderful grandmother and I imagine her staying with us in Erie and taking care of our girls. It helps that I am a very idealistic person because I only imagine how PERFECT things would be if she was still here.
Your mother would be extremely proud of you, Tiff; as am I.
It always amazes me when we are able to reflect on our lives how capable we are of rising to the challenges that life presents to us.
I think you have become a wonderful mother and wife, thanks for sharing an insightful and loving post!
Hey pretty girl, I was really touched by your blog. I was thinking about it and I rememeber people always saying how kind and gracious your mother was, and in that way you are a part of her, and she is a part of you. Canning, and cooking, and all of that stuff is only a part of life, it isn't who we are. I think your Mom is a part of you, the grace and beauty that you are. I think in that way you will always be connected. I am sure where ever she is, she is very proud of the mother that you are, lets face it parenthood is 90% trial and error, but who you really are is what matters. That is what effects who our children become. I love you.
Amazing post Tiffany! Like everyone else said, you and your mom look SO much alike! I know she must be smiling down at you at the wonderful woman, wife, and mother you've become.
Tiffany that is the sweetest post about your mom. You made me teary eyed just reading it. She was beautiful just like you. :)
They say "Only time mends a broken heart" but that is a myth written by someone who didn't experience it. Love, on the other hand, does heal a wounded heart. If your mother were here, which at times she is, she would want each of you to live life to it's fullest and have no regrets. Before she died she sought out any person in her life, which were few, to whom she thought deserved an apology for something she may have said or done to make them sad or unhappy. She desired to leave life with a clean slate, so to speak, and she accomplished her goal. She left each of her children a legacy and a charge. Each of her children need to reflect on the brief letter she wrote to you a year before her death and listen to her tape. They can continue to be a guide. Your father has always been available to fill you in on anything you want to know about her but you probably need to ask. We will have eternity to make up for anything we have lost in this life because families are forever.
Tiff- that was a wonderful post. You are such a sweet woman.
Hey Tiff! I was so moved by this post. It made me think of my mom. I've always considered us such close friends not only because of the gospel, but because of our moms. Your mom was amazing. What a great example! I never knew she left you a letter and a tape! These are priceless. I just went through and tried on my mom's jewelry. Every once in a while, I look in the photo album that was made for me with pictures of her and I.
I know a big piece of the void I have often felt not having her has been filled by having Atticus. Not having her really motivates me to be the best mom I can be and to give as much love to him as possible. It's so neat to have the knowledge of the gospel to connect you. My mom didn't have the understanding before she died like your mom. I know she has an understanding now and that her leaving was part of a bigger plan.
Love you! :)
I can't believe how much you and your sisters look like her, I've never seen this picture before! Happy Birthday, Tiffany's Mom. Sweet post, Tif, love ya!
I love your post... Your mom is beautiful and you look just like her!!
You are an AMAZING mom and wife. Having lost a parent too, it is often hard to look at photos but I feel blessed for the ones that I do have... And like your mom's letter that helps us to remember "Families Are Forever".
Thanks for sharing!
Thanks for sharing that.
Wow Tiff. You are amazing! Your mom was beautiful! I think it is so amazing that she is still a huge part of your life. I love looking at your blog. I only have a teacher blog for now, but want to start a real one sometime soon. Love ya!
This is such a touching post! I'm sure your Mom is so proud of you and all of your accomplishments and your beautiful family. I feel blessed to know also that Families are Forever!
I do look so much like your mom! She was a beautiful woman. She must have been very strong. That is really sweet that she wrote you a letter before she died. You must cherish it.
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